Maximum Ride: Max's Final Warning

So, against my better judgement, I decided to give Max and her wings another chance, and read to book four, where I promise I will be stopping. Maximum Fail: Max's Final Rant was by far, the worst book I have EVER read. And that's saying something, because I've read a lot of books. And I never thought anything would top Any Small Goodness, a.k.a the most boring book ever put into existence. But James Patterson did it. This book zipped right to the top of my 'All Time Worst Books Ever' list. I didn't even want to finish this book, let alone the rest of the stupid series. As soon as I finished the mini-torture session, I promised myself I'd never read another James Patterson book as long as I live. My little reward to myself for slogging through it.
So, onto the book itself. For a blanket statement, I'd say it was the most poorly-written, tree-hugging, blatant left-winger, politically colored, righteous book I've ever read. I'm not a hardcore conservative, but this book actually infuriated me with it's obsessive 'Save the Planet: Stop Global Warming' attitude. First off, the earth goes through completely natural periods of heating and cooling. Many scientists (Who have degrees, Patterson!) will back up this statement. To assume that humans alone are causing global warming is not only uninformed, but arrogant. Not that I'm not for wasting less; that's always a good thing. But to make it the main point of the book? THIS is how Max has to save the world? Tell people to use less water bottles? Not only was this supremely anti-climactic, it was incredibly boring and an all around stupid idea. Everyone in the book (Aside from the government and large companies of course!) was on board with the green train. Only one person on Fang's blog disagreed (BitterGummy) and they were portrayed as unschooled and rude. Give me a break. We get it that you're a Democrat Patterson, but we're here to read an exciting book about flying kids saving the world, not a book about why all large companies stink and the government is corrupt and mean.
Point two on the political side is Max's raging feminism. As a woman, I totally support women's rights. However, there is a point where you go overboard and become a FemNazi, or just plain old annoying. Max definitely crosses into this category. Every time Iggy or Fang (adolescent boys, people!) make any kind of comment about a woman's looks or wanting a girlfriend, Max denotes them 'A sexist pig'. They're BOYS, Max. What the hell do you think they think about? Give 'em a break. Iggy and Fang are way more polite and chaste than any boys who walk the halls at my school. I'd count myself lucky if the comments made by those two in the book were the only sexual comments I head in a typical day at my school. And then in her pompous, crappy speech to the Senate, she replaced 'mankind' with 'personkind'. Really? What's next: Herstory? It's just a word, Max, it doesn't mean that women aren't included in mankind. Get over it.
Alright, now that my political rant is over, let's move forward. On the characters: Max, as you saw earlier in my post, has become super annoying. I no longer care for her. The other characters remain relatively the same, showing no character growth nor signs of trauma from their bizarre and hectic upbringing. Trust me, if a child went through what these kids went through, they wouldn't be making smart remarks to a doctor, they'd be cowering on the floor due to mental scarring. Aside from the totally unrealistic nature of their escape from mental problems, their powers are growing at a ridiculous rate. Wings, cool. Angel's mind reading, I can handle. But now, Angel can CONTROL people with her mind, Nudge is magnetic, Iggy appears to be getting his sight back, Fang's a freaking human chameleon and Gasman, as befits his name, can now emit a small nuclear blast from his rear end. This is too much. They're not kids who've been mistreated anymore, they're freaking superheros. And they show no downsides to their genetic modification, despite the fact that ALL other recombinant lifeforms have some kind of defect, often a fatal one. Total the dog is more obnoxious than ever, and I wish that the leopard seal that tried to take out one of the environmentalists (Of course it was the spy for Them, whoever They are, that was killed) had chomped down on the Scottie instead. His fawning over Akila is vomit-inducing and his humor is not funny in the least. I can't stand him.
The enemies are more ridiculous than ever. At one point, Gazzy, Fang and Iggy (Who's supposed to be blind, by the way) are facing off against 300 robot Erasers (You heard me right: Robot Erasers) and somehow the barely teenage boys manage to blow all the robots to smithereens. How am I expected to be worried when Patterson writes 'An army of Flyboys was headed right at us' after something like that? It's not realistic at all, and it takes all the threat away from the Flyboys. Obviously they're not a threat as he presents them to be, and the Flock has no reason to be worried. The Uber-directer came out of nowhere. We're not sure who he is, who he works for, or quite frankly, WHAT he is. It was totally random, like the kind of plot written by an English-challenged third grader. I'm going to skip that whole part because it just left me confused and with a strong desire to go on a shooting rampage due to the inane nature of the book.
The plot points are as bizarrely fashioned as ever and by the time I closed the last agonizing page I was wondering if James Patterson was on some kind of hallucinogenic drug when he wrote it. Turns out, the over-friendly doctor we met back in book one is Max's mom! That's totally not cliche! And guess what else? This'll really shock you. In a Star Wars-like turn of events, Jeb is Max's dad! Yeah, never saw that one coming (Can you sense the sarcasm? It's fairly dripping). Apparently, Jeb can 'do the Voice' in Max's head, but he is not the Voice (Am I the only one thinking '...what the hell?'). Aside from that, the main plot is about the Flock trying to stop global warming. Whoever told Patterson that was good premise for a book needs to be killed. The government, of course, tries to step in and gets smart-mouthed by Max, because they're so clearly up to no good. An unknown rival tries to kill her with a pizza bomb (WTH?). They then flee to South America (Of course! That makes perfect sense!) instead of vouching to attend the school the government offered to build for them. Did it ever occur to any of these semi-literate bird kids that in the future, despite their amazing powers, they'll have to-BumBumBAAA- get jobs? I'd love to see Max standing in a McDonald's saying 'May I take your order' with her trademark scowl on. That's where things are headed if these guys don't get an education soon. But, predictably, Max chews out the government agents, dodges the bomb with no injuries and makes it out fine. Can I repeat how boring this book is? In a final attempt at drama, a 'global warming-induced' hurricane hits and Akila the secondary character is thought dead. If you thought she really died, you're a moron. Max spots her in the hurricane, flies up and rescues her, and then kicks the Uber-director into mush. I'm stunned (More sarcasm).
And lastly, Patterson's writing. It's as juvenile as the last three books and shows no sign of improving. In addition, I'm fairly sure he invented a few words. Or is 'gigundo' actually in the dictionary? I could let it slide if it was slang, but I have never in my life heard someone use 'gigundo' to describe anything, and if they did, I'd probably sock them for using such an asinine non-word. Max shows no ability to be responsible or give a decent speech. Her irritating excessive use of sarcasm and smart-ass attitude were present even in her discussion with the Senate. She seems to be able to bad-mouth any adult and get an angry, nonsensical response. I can assure you that if I saw a fourteen year old ranting at me like that, I'd ignore, as she clearly needs to take it down a notch and calm down. The way she can up anyone in an argument or even just a discussion is really tiresome. If she was my daughter, she'd be grounded. Max needs to face facts: She's a kid. Her Flock are kids. They need to learn, have a stable home and get into the flow of society. They can't spend the rest of their lives on the run. Especially the little ones, Gasman, Nudge and Angel. She claims to always think of them, but if she did, she wouldn't turn down offers for help or schooling. Her smart-assing doesn't help anyone, and while it was cool a couple of times, it's worn out. I now loath her attitude. Patterson tries to present her as a bad ass, but all that comes out is a snarky, arrogant smart mouthed brat. This book was also clearly meant to be a thought-provoking novel, but I think we can agree it failed miserable. Patterson tries to have profound ideas, but they're not there. I felt no grief, anxiety or any feeling that might suggest I cared about the ideas in the plot. If you want a profound book, read Les Miserables, which moved me to tears with it's cruel portrayal of the miseries of human life. Global Warming and incompetent robots are not scary, sad or unjust.
So, that's my opinion of this latest work of shit by James Patterson. Let me know what you think in the comments!