So, against my better judgement, I decided to give Max and her wings another chance, and read to book four, where I promise I will be stopping. Maximum Fail: Max's Final Rant was by far, the worst book I have EVER read. And that's saying something, because I've read a lot of books. And I never thought anything would top Any Small Goodness, a.k.a the most boring book ever put into existence. But James Patterson did it. This book zipped right to the top of my 'All Time Worst Books Ever' list. I didn't even want to finish this book, let alone the rest of the stupid series. As soon as I finished the mini-torture session, I promised myself I'd never read another James Patterson book as long as I live. My little reward to myself for slogging through it.
So, onto the book itself. For a blanket statement, I'd say it was the most poorly-written, tree-hugging, blatant left-winger, politically colored, righteous book I've ever read. I'm not a hardcore conservative, but this book actually infuriated me with it's obsessive 'Save the Planet: Stop Global Warming' attitude. First off, the earth goes through completely natural periods of heating and cooling. Many scientists (Who have degrees, Patterson!) will back up this statement. To assume that humans alone are causing global warming is not only uninformed, but arrogant. Not that I'm not for wasting less; that's always a good thing. But to make it the main point of the book? THIS is how Max has to save the world? Tell people to use less water bottles? Not only was this supremely anti-climactic, it was incredibly boring and an all around stupid idea. Everyone in the book (Aside from the government and large companies of course!) was on board with the green train. Only one person on Fang's blog disagreed (BitterGummy) and they were portrayed as unschooled and rude. Give me a break. We get it that you're a Democrat Patterson, but we're here to read an exciting book about flying kids saving the world, not a book about why all large companies stink and the government is corrupt and mean.
Point two on the political side is Max's raging feminism. As a woman, I totally support women's rights. However, there is a point where you go overboard and become a FemNazi, or just plain old annoying. Max definitely crosses into this category. Every time Iggy or Fang (adolescent boys, people!) make any kind of comment about a woman's looks or wanting a girlfriend, Max denotes them 'A sexist pig'. They're BOYS, Max. What the hell do you think they think about? Give 'em a break. Iggy and Fang are way more polite and chaste than any boys who walk the halls at my school. I'd count myself lucky if the comments made by those two in the book were the only sexual comments I head in a typical day at my school. And then in her pompous, crappy speech to the Senate, she replaced 'mankind' with 'personkind'. Really? What's next: Herstory? It's just a word, Max, it doesn't mean that women aren't included in mankind. Get over it.
Alright, now that my political rant is over, let's move forward. On the characters: Max, as you saw earlier in my post, has become super annoying. I no longer care for her. The other characters remain relatively the same, showing no character growth nor signs of trauma from their bizarre and hectic upbringing. Trust me, if a child went through what these kids went through, they wouldn't be making smart remarks to a doctor, they'd be cowering on the floor due to mental scarring. Aside from the totally unrealistic nature of their escape from mental problems, their powers are growing at a ridiculous rate. Wings, cool. Angel's mind reading, I can handle. But now, Angel can CONTROL people with her mind, Nudge is magnetic, Iggy appears to be getting his sight back, Fang's a freaking human chameleon and Gasman, as befits his name, can now emit a small nuclear blast from his rear end. This is too much. They're not kids who've been mistreated anymore, they're freaking superheros. And they show no downsides to their genetic modification, despite the fact that ALL other recombinant lifeforms have some kind of defect, often a fatal one. Total the dog is more obnoxious than ever, and I wish that the leopard seal that tried to take out one of the environmentalists (Of course it was the spy for Them, whoever They are, that was killed) had chomped down on the Scottie instead. His fawning over Akila is vomit-inducing and his humor is not funny in the least. I can't stand him.
The enemies are more ridiculous than ever. At one point, Gazzy, Fang and Iggy (Who's supposed to be blind, by the way) are facing off against 300 robot Erasers (You heard me right: Robot Erasers) and somehow the barely teenage boys manage to blow all the robots to smithereens. How am I expected to be worried when Patterson writes 'An army of Flyboys was headed right at us' after something like that? It's not realistic at all, and it takes all the threat away from the Flyboys. Obviously they're not a threat as he presents them to be, and the Flock has no reason to be worried. The Uber-directer came out of nowhere. We're not sure who he is, who he works for, or quite frankly, WHAT he is. It was totally random, like the kind of plot written by an English-challenged third grader. I'm going to skip that whole part because it just left me confused and with a strong desire to go on a shooting rampage due to the inane nature of the book.
The plot points are as bizarrely fashioned as ever and by the time I closed the last agonizing page I was wondering if James Patterson was on some kind of hallucinogenic drug when he wrote it. Turns out, the over-friendly doctor we met back in book one is Max's mom! That's totally not cliche! And guess what else? This'll really shock you. In a Star Wars-like turn of events, Jeb is Max's dad! Yeah, never saw that one coming (Can you sense the sarcasm? It's fairly dripping). Apparently, Jeb can 'do the Voice' in Max's head, but he is not the Voice (Am I the only one thinking '...what the hell?'). Aside from that, the main plot is about the Flock trying to stop global warming. Whoever told Patterson that was good premise for a book needs to be killed. The government, of course, tries to step in and gets smart-mouthed by Max, because they're so clearly up to no good. An unknown rival tries to kill her with a pizza bomb (WTH?). They then flee to South America (Of course! That makes perfect sense!) instead of vouching to attend the school the government offered to build for them. Did it ever occur to any of these semi-literate bird kids that in the future, despite their amazing powers, they'll have to-BumBumBAAA- get jobs? I'd love to see Max standing in a McDonald's saying 'May I take your order' with her trademark scowl on. That's where things are headed if these guys don't get an education soon. But, predictably, Max chews out the government agents, dodges the bomb with no injuries and makes it out fine. Can I repeat how boring this book is? In a final attempt at drama, a 'global warming-induced' hurricane hits and Akila the secondary character is thought dead. If you thought she really died, you're a moron. Max spots her in the hurricane, flies up and rescues her, and then kicks the Uber-director into mush. I'm stunned (More sarcasm).
And lastly, Patterson's writing. It's as juvenile as the last three books and shows no sign of improving. In addition, I'm fairly sure he invented a few words. Or is 'gigundo' actually in the dictionary? I could let it slide if it was slang, but I have never in my life heard someone use 'gigundo' to describe anything, and if they did, I'd probably sock them for using such an asinine non-word. Max shows no ability to be responsible or give a decent speech. Her irritating excessive use of sarcasm and smart-ass attitude were present even in her discussion with the Senate. She seems to be able to bad-mouth any adult and get an angry, nonsensical response. I can assure you that if I saw a fourteen year old ranting at me like that, I'd ignore, as she clearly needs to take it down a notch and calm down. The way she can up anyone in an argument or even just a discussion is really tiresome. If she was my daughter, she'd be grounded. Max needs to face facts: She's a kid. Her Flock are kids. They need to learn, have a stable home and get into the flow of society. They can't spend the rest of their lives on the run. Especially the little ones, Gasman, Nudge and Angel. She claims to always think of them, but if she did, she wouldn't turn down offers for help or schooling. Her smart-assing doesn't help anyone, and while it was cool a couple of times, it's worn out. I now loath her attitude. Patterson tries to present her as a bad ass, but all that comes out is a snarky, arrogant smart mouthed brat. This book was also clearly meant to be a thought-provoking novel, but I think we can agree it failed miserable. Patterson tries to have profound ideas, but they're not there. I felt no grief, anxiety or any feeling that might suggest I cared about the ideas in the plot. If you want a profound book, read Les Miserables, which moved me to tears with it's cruel portrayal of the miseries of human life. Global Warming and incompetent robots are not scary, sad or unjust.
So, that's my opinion of this latest work of shit by James Patterson. Let me know what you think in the comments!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Phantom of the Opera
Yay, more classics! I've been listening to Sarah Brightman sing Phantom of the Opera since I was a child, and have recently rediscovered it! It really is a touching story of the heights of love and the depths of suffering.
For those of you who don't know this story, it centers around Christine, a young soprano at the Paris Opera House, but we all know the real main character is Erik. Better known as the Phantom of the Opera, he resides in a place by the lake beneath the Opera House. A tormented genius shunned for his physical disfigurement, he has spent his life alone, living only for his music. That all changes when he falls in love with the beautiful Christine Daae. There's several problems with this relationship, but the most prominent takes the form of her fiance: Raoul de Chagny. Now Christine must choose between her childhood friend and sweetheart, and her teacher, the man who captured her imagination and worships the ground she walks on.
Erik is a singularly unforgettable character, with so much depth it's almost painful. He has suffered unbelievably in his life, cast out by his mother, captured and paraded about by gypsies and at last driven beneath the Opera House to live out the rest of his life in solitude. His so described 'angel's voice' and passion for music lead him to Christine, whom he mentors in secret to usurp La Carlotta as the Prima Donna of the Opera House. To be sure, he had some real issues, and is incredibly emotionally unstable, but he cares deeply for Christine.
Christine herself is mind-bogglingly naive, believing Erik to be the angel of music, sent to her by her dead father. Given, he was hiding and projecting his voice into her room, but still. She is very sweet and innocent, fairly the picture of everything Erik isn't, and can't have. She has an amazing vocal talent, but it seems lost after her father's death. With Erik's mentoring, she regains the muse she lost.
Raoul, needless to say, is hated by the majority of the phan base. He is a flat, one dimensional character who serves as the hero in the antihero's world. He not only fails to notice something is wrong with Christine, but fails to rescue her from Erik, who had taken her to his house below. He is a hindrance to the mission and the my serious Persian would have done better to leave him behind.
The story itself is unique, written by Gaston Leroux and set in 18th-century France. It's a beautiful tale of love, redemption and the ultimate unfairness and cruelty of life. Some people just get dealt really shitty hands in life. Some people get to be happier than their wildest dreams. That's just the way it goes.
If I am the phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me.
For those of you who don't know this story, it centers around Christine, a young soprano at the Paris Opera House, but we all know the real main character is Erik. Better known as the Phantom of the Opera, he resides in a place by the lake beneath the Opera House. A tormented genius shunned for his physical disfigurement, he has spent his life alone, living only for his music. That all changes when he falls in love with the beautiful Christine Daae. There's several problems with this relationship, but the most prominent takes the form of her fiance: Raoul de Chagny. Now Christine must choose between her childhood friend and sweetheart, and her teacher, the man who captured her imagination and worships the ground she walks on.
Erik is a singularly unforgettable character, with so much depth it's almost painful. He has suffered unbelievably in his life, cast out by his mother, captured and paraded about by gypsies and at last driven beneath the Opera House to live out the rest of his life in solitude. His so described 'angel's voice' and passion for music lead him to Christine, whom he mentors in secret to usurp La Carlotta as the Prima Donna of the Opera House. To be sure, he had some real issues, and is incredibly emotionally unstable, but he cares deeply for Christine.
Christine herself is mind-bogglingly naive, believing Erik to be the angel of music, sent to her by her dead father. Given, he was hiding and projecting his voice into her room, but still. She is very sweet and innocent, fairly the picture of everything Erik isn't, and can't have. She has an amazing vocal talent, but it seems lost after her father's death. With Erik's mentoring, she regains the muse she lost.
Raoul, needless to say, is hated by the majority of the phan base. He is a flat, one dimensional character who serves as the hero in the antihero's world. He not only fails to notice something is wrong with Christine, but fails to rescue her from Erik, who had taken her to his house below. He is a hindrance to the mission and the my serious Persian would have done better to leave him behind.
The story itself is unique, written by Gaston Leroux and set in 18th-century France. It's a beautiful tale of love, redemption and the ultimate unfairness and cruelty of life. Some people just get dealt really shitty hands in life. Some people get to be happier than their wildest dreams. That's just the way it goes.
If I am the phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment
You might say I need to read the whole series before I review, as I've done with previous books, but I can tell you right now that won't be neccecary. I won't be reading any more of Maximum Fail. Having heard the hype about these books, and had my friends beg me to read them, I at last capitulated to find...major disappointment. The charecters I liked, but the rest of it? Yuck.
The plot moved fast, as everyone said. It was way too fast. There was barely time to absorb and think over one idea before a whole new plot line was coming in. Rescuing Angel or the trip to New York could have been sufficient on their own. And there were a lot of things that seemed to just pop up when convenient. Like Nudge's power. What the hell? Where did it come from? How could she have never realized it before? And it comes into being at exactly the moment the need it? That was so cheesy. And Dr. Martinez was real nice and all, but Patterson is clueless if he thinks you'd find a person who's really like that in the world. You come across an apparent run-away kid with wings and a bullet wound and you TELL NO ONE? Who does that? Honestly, she's a bad mother if she leaves Max out there all on her own. Their breakout from the school seemed very rushed and poorly plotted. If Max could unlock Angel's cage without a key, it stands to reason she could have gotten them all out earlier.
The writing was horrible. It was the worst writing style I've read since Twilight. It felt like I was reading a book meant for fifth graders, but with cursing. I HATED it. Short, choppy sentances are fine if they suit a purpose. That's ALL James Patterson wrote! His chapters were also too short, that bothered me a lot. His lack of description left me to try and puzzle out their surroundings on my own, while I struggled to keep track of the plot points.
Erasers? Really? 'The School'? 'The Institute'? NUDGE? Could there be less creative names in a book? Put some effort into your writing, Patterson! Names are a really imporant part of a story! Gasman? That one drove me nuts, but not as much as NUDGE. Nudge is a VERB. Not a name, by a long shot.
The dialogue. Max's dialogue felt very forced and staged, not at all natural. How many fourteen year olds call other kids 'lamby'? Or 'my baby'? What the cuss? Her sarcasm in the narroration was funny at times, but went over the top. It got tiresome. I'd also like to say that Total is the most annoying animal to ever walk the Earth. He shows up at th end of book one and I loathe him. I'd like to fly up to Flock height and drop him.
The Fax. Okay, I totally see Max and Fang as good friends. I like Fang. And then suddenly, out of the blue, with no warning at all, she kisses him? I'm going to have to say it once more: What the hell? Where did that come from? We had no idication that she was any better friends with Fang than any of the others, nor was there ever any sign of attraction between them. They just have no chemistry! The kiss was awkward, misplaced and poorly written.
The Erasers in generally. They're made out to be these bad-ass wolf-men that are super-scary, but they get beaten by a group of BIRD hybrids every single time! Not only are they complete wusses, they pop out of no where, get their butts kicked, then hop back into their van and drive away. What kind of a crappy wolf-mix does that? If I were half wolf, I'd dole out some pain to those wimpy birdies! Secondly, despite the fact that this is set in modern day times, they fight with CLAWS and FANGS. Yes, that's right. Fisticuffs are used to apprehend their "totally unique recombinent life forms". Apparently this massive facility can afford helicopters, but not tranquilizer darts or guns. This is a HUGE hole in the story, and it really detracts from the action, knowing the Flock isn't in any real danger.
Overall, Patterson started out with some good charecters and a cool idea, and then dropped the ball, majorly. I had mused over them in the bookstore several times, as they sounded interesting. I am so glad I didn't spend money on these. I don't reccoment these AT ALL. However, there are some manga adaptions, which I actually quite enjoyed. There the fast plot fit the cartoony style and there was a great deal less of Max's lame dialogue and excessive sarcasm. The art was also very cool. The Maximum Ride movie is slated to come out soon, and as it's directed by the same person who did the first two Twilight movies, I think we can expect another pile of garbage on that.
The plot moved fast, as everyone said. It was way too fast. There was barely time to absorb and think over one idea before a whole new plot line was coming in. Rescuing Angel or the trip to New York could have been sufficient on their own. And there were a lot of things that seemed to just pop up when convenient. Like Nudge's power. What the hell? Where did it come from? How could she have never realized it before? And it comes into being at exactly the moment the need it? That was so cheesy. And Dr. Martinez was real nice and all, but Patterson is clueless if he thinks you'd find a person who's really like that in the world. You come across an apparent run-away kid with wings and a bullet wound and you TELL NO ONE? Who does that? Honestly, she's a bad mother if she leaves Max out there all on her own. Their breakout from the school seemed very rushed and poorly plotted. If Max could unlock Angel's cage without a key, it stands to reason she could have gotten them all out earlier.
The writing was horrible. It was the worst writing style I've read since Twilight. It felt like I was reading a book meant for fifth graders, but with cursing. I HATED it. Short, choppy sentances are fine if they suit a purpose. That's ALL James Patterson wrote! His chapters were also too short, that bothered me a lot. His lack of description left me to try and puzzle out their surroundings on my own, while I struggled to keep track of the plot points.
Erasers? Really? 'The School'? 'The Institute'? NUDGE? Could there be less creative names in a book? Put some effort into your writing, Patterson! Names are a really imporant part of a story! Gasman? That one drove me nuts, but not as much as NUDGE. Nudge is a VERB. Not a name, by a long shot.
The dialogue. Max's dialogue felt very forced and staged, not at all natural. How many fourteen year olds call other kids 'lamby'? Or 'my baby'? What the cuss? Her sarcasm in the narroration was funny at times, but went over the top. It got tiresome. I'd also like to say that Total is the most annoying animal to ever walk the Earth. He shows up at th end of book one and I loathe him. I'd like to fly up to Flock height and drop him.
The Fax. Okay, I totally see Max and Fang as good friends. I like Fang. And then suddenly, out of the blue, with no warning at all, she kisses him? I'm going to have to say it once more: What the hell? Where did that come from? We had no idication that she was any better friends with Fang than any of the others, nor was there ever any sign of attraction between them. They just have no chemistry! The kiss was awkward, misplaced and poorly written.
The Erasers in generally. They're made out to be these bad-ass wolf-men that are super-scary, but they get beaten by a group of BIRD hybrids every single time! Not only are they complete wusses, they pop out of no where, get their butts kicked, then hop back into their van and drive away. What kind of a crappy wolf-mix does that? If I were half wolf, I'd dole out some pain to those wimpy birdies! Secondly, despite the fact that this is set in modern day times, they fight with CLAWS and FANGS. Yes, that's right. Fisticuffs are used to apprehend their "totally unique recombinent life forms". Apparently this massive facility can afford helicopters, but not tranquilizer darts or guns. This is a HUGE hole in the story, and it really detracts from the action, knowing the Flock isn't in any real danger.
Overall, Patterson started out with some good charecters and a cool idea, and then dropped the ball, majorly. I had mused over them in the bookstore several times, as they sounded interesting. I am so glad I didn't spend money on these. I don't reccoment these AT ALL. However, there are some manga adaptions, which I actually quite enjoyed. There the fast plot fit the cartoony style and there was a great deal less of Max's lame dialogue and excessive sarcasm. The art was also very cool. The Maximum Ride movie is slated to come out soon, and as it's directed by the same person who did the first two Twilight movies, I think we can expect another pile of garbage on that.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Millenium Trilogy
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. A juicy story about the trials and tribulations of Mikael Blomkvist as he struggles to solve the mystery of Harriet Vanger's disappearance forty years ago. An impossible crime; a disgraced journalist and a girl with some very interesting tattoos.
Lisbeth Salander, the troubled, genius hacker who aides Mikael in his attempt to solve the decades old crime. First off, I LOVE Lisbeth. She is a girl who has suffered a lot, and she has come out fighting. She takes no crap from anyone, and always gets her revenge, even if it's not totally legal. As a character, she is wonderfully dark, beautifully troubled and endearingly scrappy. A tiny, doll-like girl who manages to assert her dominance over full blown gangsters. And yet, she doesn't come off as bitchy. She only ever bothers with people if they've done her a wrong, otherwise, she "just wants to be left alone."
I have no strong feelings on Mikael Blomkvist, save to point out that he's a terrible womanizer.
I had heard a lot about this series, and was very interested in the idea, so I took it upon myself to seek them out. It most certainly was a fascinating story, but I have to say I didn't care much for the writing style. Given, it was translated from Swedish, so perhaps it lost something there. However, the story, in my opinion, was worth slogging through the stylistic problems. It is not a story for the fainthearted, that's for sure. This is a dark, gruesome and detailed story, so if you don't have a stomach for the appalling depths of human cruelty, just leave this one on the shelf.
On the other hand, if you enjoy heinous crimes and murder mysteries, this one is definitely for you! The movies too, are worth checking out. The actors do wonderful jobs and bring a terrifying story to life.
Lisbeth Salander, the troubled, genius hacker who aides Mikael in his attempt to solve the decades old crime. First off, I LOVE Lisbeth. She is a girl who has suffered a lot, and she has come out fighting. She takes no crap from anyone, and always gets her revenge, even if it's not totally legal. As a character, she is wonderfully dark, beautifully troubled and endearingly scrappy. A tiny, doll-like girl who manages to assert her dominance over full blown gangsters. And yet, she doesn't come off as bitchy. She only ever bothers with people if they've done her a wrong, otherwise, she "just wants to be left alone."
I have no strong feelings on Mikael Blomkvist, save to point out that he's a terrible womanizer.
I had heard a lot about this series, and was very interested in the idea, so I took it upon myself to seek them out. It most certainly was a fascinating story, but I have to say I didn't care much for the writing style. Given, it was translated from Swedish, so perhaps it lost something there. However, the story, in my opinion, was worth slogging through the stylistic problems. It is not a story for the fainthearted, that's for sure. This is a dark, gruesome and detailed story, so if you don't have a stomach for the appalling depths of human cruelty, just leave this one on the shelf.
On the other hand, if you enjoy heinous crimes and murder mysteries, this one is definitely for you! The movies too, are worth checking out. The actors do wonderful jobs and bring a terrifying story to life.
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